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you speak death


Cover your lies with the sheets of your so-called truth. Go ahead. Hide it.Β Your words are poison covered in honey. It was tantalizingly sweet that I longed for more. Little did I know, as it found its way inside my heart, my mind and my soul, it was slowly corrupting me. As I tasted more, it burned my tongue like acid and turned my tears into blood. I praised you. I honored you. I loved you. What a waste.

REST IN PEACE, TATAY. And know this, from the darkest corners of my broken heart.

I know we have never been close. We never had the chance and now we never will. I have no regrets. Wherever you are, I know you know my heart is shattered, crushed to a million pieces. You see now the monochrome of reasons, different shades of darkness, until you can only see nothing. I am sorry for being like this, and for not knowing what else to do with this brokenness but apologize. I am sorry for being such an imperfect daughter, for blaming the family I rarely felt present, for always trying to hide my grief beneath a steel skeleton of cynicism and overprotectiveness. The only thing I shall never apologize for is being real in my pain, for being genuine in my darkness, for not pretending to be perfect, for not denying the things that hurt me in front of people who think I’m better. Thank you, tatay, for having a son like my father, for making me this vulnerable. Most of the time I hate him, but in his agony over your passage, guilt fell over my soul and I felt so terrible for letting him down this time. I no longer have the chance to say this personally (but I won’t be like other people who’d regret it so much because I know you’d be able to read this wherever you are), but I forgive you. I forgive you, tatay and nanay, and daddy and all his brothers, all your sons. I forgive the Gregorio family. Please make them all understand that no matter how hard they try, they can never regain our full trust, especially the trust of my mother. You have ripped her heart apart, and if you once thought that it would not affect anyone else but her, you now know how terribly wrong you are. You did not affect her life alone; you affected the lives of her daughters, Chrislyn and I. You broke us. I grew up not knowing what it felt like to be loved by a real father. I grew up in shadows of doubt, but in all these years, I have one thing I am absolutely grateful for — I grew up a warrior. I may not be as physically strong as you have been, dearest Tatay, but my heart is. My heart beats loud and powerful and stronger than ever. I may not make you proud, Tatay. I may not make my parents proud. But there are other people who are happy to see me happy. There are other people who are actually proud of me. There are other people who are there for me. There are other people I can call my family. And thank you, Tatay, for being the father of a careless man, for being one of the reasons I grew up like this: as resilient as the shore when waves crash upon it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Let peace come to you now, former Lieutenant Alejandro Gregorio. May your soul now find eternal rest in the loving embrace of our Creator.

You think I’m such a bitch sometimes, a stronghead city girl who can come across so strongly, so fiercely, that it annoys you, or frightens you, or both. You see me as someone who is so cruel with her actions, so violent with her words, but it never occured to you that maybe you’re one of the reasons. Maybe you’re one of the people who actually made me think this way, maybe you’re part of the ugly society that made me doubt such a beautiful world. How naive, how foolish, how stupid of you to think you had nothing to do with this when, for all you know, you just might be one of the reasons. You just might be the one that planted darkness in my heart. If this doesn’t scare you, I bet what you’d be getting from me will.

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